How can you expect to win when you have the mindset of a loser? We’ve lost this fight, but just for this time. Maybe we’ll scrape up enough courage in our hearts to try a second time. I’m not proud of it, but sometimes there seems no way out of it.
I’m all alone is this four walled room.
Lights off in the dark, it looks just like my heart.
Just take a seat and listen to my heartbeat.
If you step on a crack, you’ll break my back. When you run through my veins you give me a heart attack.
I need a shock back to life. I’m drifting towards the light. That was the last time I saw those brown eyes.
Now I’m back in the dark, and it looks just like my heart when you’re not living here anymore. You’re not listening anymore.
All that’s left are artificial substitutions and they will never suffice. This is twice now I’ve come to the coast, hoping to light a candle in a little boat. But a wave always comes and crashes, they come and leave me scratches, but you haunt me like a ghost.
We lost that fight, but just those times. Maybe thrice will get it right. Can we just scrape up whatever courage is left in our hearts, and press rewind, then start. Not to do it the same again, but to keep what we felt in the beginning, and rewrite the end.
A little writing that I started when I was bored, but got cut short.
I feel like my tragedies and triumphs come at the wrong time; like my and the worlds clocks are not synchronized. I’m healthy inside, but barely alive. my joy is a struggle, but you won’t know if you won’t try. Nothing seems right and I can only ask why. Some say it’s a design; that the stars are aligned like a big master plan. Others believe it’s a formula, and the so-called creator was just a man. He lived and died like all of us, and there’s no resurrection. We just turn to dust. Who must I trust? We lust, and don’t love, and when we do, it’s never enough. We’re addicts to what we lack, and we’ll take all we can get and give nothing back. We’ll hurt others and self inflict pain with sharp words and adulterous acts. We’re still all alone left with our thoughts, (like I am in the office). Thinking if I could change things what the cost is. I lost this about 19 years ago, the cost is losing innocence the more I grow. The more I grow, I learn what I know now will not be someday somehow. Some way I’ll forget, like I am now. I’m a forgetful person, but there are a lot of things worse than this; like never having that feeling of a first kiss. I swear you bring it back again every single time. It’s like hitting pause and rewind, our fingers intertwined, your wavelength the same as mine. Now I’m starting to feel sick, the ringing phone made me jump out of my seat. I’m just sitting here, pen in hand, listening to some shitty rap song. That’s what I really appreciated. We had all the same favorite bands. Anyways where was I? Our hearts beating together? Loudly like thunder. the only kind of chemistry that can cause tornado weather. And I wonder. It sure caused weather. Whether there’s a future in this or not, I don’t know. I’d sure like to hope so, but we’re so different now, and how I’m feeling is not by what I see. I’m loving the person you used to be. But and eye for an eye. I guess I understand. No. Never mind. I guess I don’t understand.
I’m a box full of secrets and they’re everybody’s but mine. I’m harsh on the eyes but if you’d look inside you wouldn’t believe what you see. Stories constructed of everybody’s missing puzzle piece. It’s the reason they’re so hard to understand. It’s like leaving a message behind in the sand, and by the time someone comes by to read it, the waves have already come to eat it.
I’m a wishing well that goes down deep in the pit of my stomach. I hold everybody’s problems. My friends and foes, they all got them and I pray every night that I can solve them. But you can’t love somebody until you can learn to love yourself, and that’s the hardest part when I’d rather give love away to somebody else.
My arms hang like branches with no fruit to show. I’m only useful to the crows, but even they come and go. It’s just not the right season so I sit tight and wait for another year with a different reason. You reap what you sow, and I’ve been planting seeds of hope, but I’ve yet to see anything grow. Nobody wants to fail but sometimes that’s all we can do. You either win or lose, and there are times when you have to choose between the two. We can only try to make the best decision, like bracing yourself in a head-on collision.
I’m starting to lose myself, the more I find out, things I should have known, but didn’t know how, to see on my own, I was someone else. All I can be is alone, and vacate this house. Now no one lives here, but I can’t sleep any better, because sleeping alone is more of an endeavor. You chose to leave, I never moved, I stayed the same, just not for you. You say you’ll change but how many times does it take to give you my trust only to break and second chances turn into high hopes and knotted ropes that just need to be cut. You’re everything but what I used to love, and I’m just not enough. There’s no currency for these promises, no consistency in these dreams, but if I wake up, I’ll be even more lost than I think. The more I think the further I drift from reality.
I had a lot of time to sit around and think at work, and I realized a few things. I realized that my life is just one endless cycle. Things will be alright, then good, then a little better, then great, then I’ll have a reallly amazing day or two, then something bad happens or everything goes to shit. After that I’m miserable for a little while, then I’m just alright, then I’m fine, then back to alright to start all over. Another thing I realized is that I am always second best to every girl I meet. There’s always another guy that has the upper hand, and I will always be the second choice, and usually end up being left for the first choice. Never have I been someones priority. I’ve met some amazing people in my life, but I must have not been that great or good enough for them to stick around. I’ve just been in a shitty mood all day, and I think I should go to sleep. Today has been a very lonely day. Goodnight
describe your perfect girl looks & personality wise
A girl that talks to me easily and doesn’t push me away when something is wrong. I like to joke around and be a dork with her and make wierd faces and voices and just be freaks together. I don’t like girls that do drugs, but drinking is alright if it’s not excessive. She definitely has to like the same music as me, and would watch movies with me and make me cute little drawings and stuff. She has to say what she means and mean what she says, and not just leave me in the dust or lead me on and then do nothing. Appreciative. I like girls with morals too. Is that too picky?
i definitely want to either be finished with college, or doing what i love doing and working towards making that a career, whether that means college or no college. I hope I will have met somebody wonderful enough to where I’d want to spend the rest of my life with. Hopefully I will have done some traveling in the next ten years. A lot of music making.
how it’s possible that I’m out of control and so in control at the same time. You call it a rollercoaster, I call it hang glide, because I’m afraid of heights, dangling high like the stakes that we take to get through every day life. This is my perspective, I know your objective to keep calm and let-live. That shit is so cliche your mind is too easy to mold like paper mache. Your favorite excuse, you’re easier to lose, than your own self respect when you follow everyone else’s rules. You’re posing that you’ve chosen the right choice but inside you’re broken,you don’t even have your own voice, because the rest of your life is shallow, those deep feelings in your heart are now hollow. I’m too tired to write more, this hype was worn off, just like the alcohol, I must withdraw. You’re an easy prediction, like the forecast weather, I can see your picture, before I put the puzzle pieces together. Night bitch.
hahahaha that was lame but I thought I was cool for maybe a split second.
I believe we all have a vision, a passion, a picture of what we want, or what we long or were meant to do. And it’s the weight of the world, expectations, fear of stepping outside of the lines to be who you want to be, and do what you want to do. I admit that I have succumbed to this fear along with plenty other people in this world. There are so many distractions going on, and so many things to lead you astray from the goal. Never lose sight. Be patient. Stay focused. And never give up. I wish I could live by these words, but I’m going to try my best to do this now. I have something I want to work towards. I don’t have anyone weighing me down now, except for myself. My conformist self. I think it’s time to take off the suit and tie set of plans everyone else has for me, and get started what I want to do. It will be a lot of work, and maybe a long time. But the satisfaction of being one step closer will get me there. Eventually.
about a month, of being alone, in a way, I’m still searching, for what i’m searching for. As confusing as that sounds, it makes perfect sense to me. My life is not how I want it to be, and this is the most opportune time to change it and mold it into what I do for the rest of my life. The overused quote “tired and uninspired” has never been so defining right now. The past couple weeks have been a blur of just working,studying,drinking,working,working,studying,failing,and working. I must break free from this soon, or I might just lose my “sanity” and become a “sane” person. My sanity is insanity, and I don’t like a routine. I want someone to truly care for me and love me for who I am, and not lead me to believe I’m something that I’m not. I want someone who will actually be themselves, and not what someone else wants them to be. Mean what you say and say what you mean.
I came home tonight and my dad was on the phone yelling at my sister boyfriend. He was furious, irate, etc. I immediately got flashbacks to a time where I was in my sisters bf’s shoes, and it was a terrible feeling. I can still feel it. To think we went through all of that, for it to end up being how it is right now just depresses me. I still don’t want to believe that this is it, but with each passing day it becomes a little bit more solid. I need something different, something to put a little bit of change, if this situation isn’t going to progress. I need to make my life what I want it to be. First I must find what that is. Every day I’m a little bit closer.
Get so close to death that you can tell me the color of her eyes. That’s only when you know you’re alive. And if you wake up on the other side, tell me what it’s like to have you hands and feet untied. Because the world loves to hold onto as much as they can, with bills and paychecks and 10 year payment plans. She’s quicksand, stronger that most can withstand. Just run and run as fast as you can. They can’t catch you if there’s no blood on your hands.